Uh huh.

This blog can die for all I care.

LAST HOPE

GOD.

This is my last request. As usual there is always nothing in it for you, but please hear me out.

I have had too many dreams of the same category. You know which ones.

And it’s to the point I will not joke anymore; set me free!

You know what my heart wants. But every single thing around me will tell me it’s not achievable.

I don’t know what you know. Or maybe at least, I’m pretending not to.

But free me!

Although, I probably only want one solution in my heart, that is what will make me happy, please, either uncover my eyes, or just end me right away, or better yet, teach me patience to get it!

I’m just ridiculously confused.

They call it a Divorce.

And 2009 ends with a bang.

But unfortunately for me, I have to burn another New Year’s Day special to do GUARD DUTY. And alone. I’m so going to end up doing sentry. Which. Is. Very. Boring.

I’ve watched Blood Diamond. Leonardo Dicaprio is an excellent actor. Playing a white South African so authentically is quite nice to watch.

This year’s Christmas was pretty fast… And I guess the year end was pretty boring.

That’s probably it for 2009. I thought it was fun while it lasted. Painful while things happened, but the end result… I guess desperate measures are applied to desperate men.

Slack day here at camp.

I wasn’t cheated, I just bought the wrong product. Again.

I do not have a healthy mind. I’m always looking the wrong direction for the childish little things that I now feel probably nothing.

“I don’t blame you. I think sometimes that maybe I just may have no ‘yuan fen’ to talk to you or go out with you. What can I do. Even if this is deliberate, I guess you’ve achieved the purpose of pushing me back… We won’t ever get close… Won’t ever even seem to go beyond superficial friends.”

As she reads the message, she presses the delete button and doesn’t look back.

I pay attention to useless things too much. It’s the point where friends give up because to them, I’m a cycle.

When I read plastic-memory and psychotic-narcotic, I think of myself as a complete idiot. Then again, I’ve always felt that way about myself. It’s because… I don’t know. I think it’s because I have so many issues with all the little things. Myopia is such a crime, the regrets that it leaves behind haunt you for life.

I regret what I did. I hate myself. Thoughts that always repeat in the posts. never failing in boring anyone. Stubbornness. Resistance to change. Pride. Self-absorbed. Self-fabricated. Don’t you think these are all the screwed up words I keep hearing about myself?

So what is my life trying to tell me about myself?

I always leave questions hanging at the end. Sometimes I hope for an answer. But nothing ever comes. The doubts in me suffocate me, so the tendency to look away happens. To reject my own imperfection, I try to correct others. I believe I sincerely want to do it because I care. But I go cold turkey because of not dealing with my own problems. The phase repeats.

How is this relevant to the above-mentioned quote? It’s just a recent scenario of me trying to deal with the issues in me.

I hear today that having negative emotions causes chemical imbalances, thus leading to aches and all sorts of pains and problems as we grow up. Maybe that’s why I have that arthritis feeling everytime I stretch too long.

Above all, I think I’ve really given up on myself. I am only trying to make my first step with 1% inspiration to.

Sinking to the deepest low has my name written over it.

We couldn’t last one conversation.

How can I possibly know when all I can feel is confusion.

So what is it?

Play dice with my heart.

And I Know That You Think It’s A Fantasy

“So close, yet so far.”

And all those words that I couldn’t say.

—

A long month, painfully long. But there were the fun parts too. We start with Nic’s birthday celebration which was fun and enjoyable, more food than I’d expected. Potluck is a fun gathering activity.

For this final week, it is spent at SAFTI MI for a video production course conducted by the SAF Film Unit. It’s a good way for me to refresh whatever I have learned in school, I’ve really been rusty since enlisting, and I’ve given thought to working there (as a DXO) after I ORD.

And speaking of ORDs, congratulations to Edmund for completing his service to the nation, because he only has probably one more full week left, his last Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. But hey, it’s not a RECORD situation, okay? Haha.

With me, it’s a purposeless month once again, drifting in and out of what I believe I have to do, and yet, I’m most far away. It’s a tough phase with an obvious solution, yet I’m not a good practitioner of what I think. Hypocrisy would be the correct word to apply here.

And what of my heart? What if there isn’t anything other than a possible addiction only to having such a feeling around, like a zone of comfort?

Do I sincerely believe that I can stoop to such low standards? Yes I do, because I don’t even feel appropriate to trust myself anymore. But then again, how much have I really trusted myself? There are the times (the nightmares) where I trusted others more than myself, and I think it leaves me utterly stupid at the end because all I could have been doing are elephant turns.

The deceiver is me. I cheat myself too many times of the situations that are actually bigger or smaller than they are, and I think, I’m the poorest evaluator. I don’t know anything at all. And it leads me to slowly forget what I can be good at, because everything seems to slip away.

What else to say…
What else to say…

And maybe one day, the brain clogs up finally and I’m all quiet for a damn long time.

Death’s got nothing for me.

My first words would actually be that I don’t really know how to write out my feelings.

I don’t know what to feel sometimes. Allow me to talk in a more casual way, just like the way I converse in.

It is absolutely very SIAN when all that you have tried to push away comes back to haunt you in ways you cannot control. And that way, is called DREAMING.

At least, I think, I’m not a grumpy sleeper that I wake up very grumpy even if it’s a forceful wake-up or a bad dream. But it just kills my day. I have tried to drown in work. But it’s not enough.

Then I find myself, alone, without meaning, purpose, direction, reason, to do anything straight. I’m only working because of others. There is nothing for me. And that feels horrible.

WHAT DO I WANT?! I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. WITH NOTHING, I WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO ACCOMPLISH NOTHING.

I need serious help. But I refuse them all because I don’t want to be a burden.

I want to help myself.

Really now.

This week was way too tiring.

I only got to know about the ATP for this week on Sunday night when I booked in. And with M16! Compared to the SAR21, it is definitely more challenging to use. Try night shooting, you really can’t see a crap. Thankfully, I managed to pass it on the actual test, as compared to my pathetic score on the familiarization shoot (5/16 for Stage A, 7/8 for INAD, 2/9 for Night, compared to 10/16, 7/8 and 3/9 for the actual.)

It didn’t help that I kept sneezing away, probably either from dust at the range or the gunpowder smell from everyone’s weapons after firing off. By Friday, I was really tired and unwell, and as usual, when I come home, I hit the bed really early, as early as 9.30pm.

Didn’t get to run today too. Rainy day. Was supposed to go Sentosa with the ex-unit mates.

Anyway, about my life…

It’s much quieter now… Although peace isn’t really the right word to describe it. Maybe the intensity of work does help to put my focus in order, rather than make me think that much. Although by end August, I sort of decided to die down.

This familiar feeling, I recall it, 3 years ago. The feeling of actually giving up, or surrendering, after witnessing frontal revelation of facts. That inspiration perhaps led me to become more… Reclusive. I accept, that perhaps that instead of life still going on despite things happening, it in fact is, life goes on because they happen. They need to happen for some form or another, otherwise life wouldn’t be exciting, would it? Life wasn’t promised to be a peaceful journey, to be exact, I think it was meant to be an excitingly perilous one. To fall and rise, perhaps makes it the greatest enjoyment, although no one really likes falling.

It changes me. I cannot feel it anymore, it being me questioning why anything happens. Perhaps a conclusion has reached on my own, once again, an epiphany, sudden realization. Everything happens for a reason, and that reason alone is this; so that we can actually proceed to the next course in life.

And in my case specifically, perhaps it is that I sort of come to terms how I am not in full control at all. I cannot possibly be. In an ideal situation, wouldn’t I have hoped to have a smooth life all the way, but no, there isn’t any person in life who has had it.

I believe time can fly faster this way for me.

As to feelings, well, they are essentially the same, like a plant growing. I’m not talking about quantitative growth, but maybe some how, maturity (in a way).

My doubts that remain, sometimes point towards the older examples in life. Like those well ahead of me in time. Those are the moments I feel, perhaps, they expose my fear and uncertainty of future.

And here I am, talking about how uncertainty is still exciting, yet scary at the same time.

I can’t really make up my mind, can I? Haha…

On the corners of my mind, I try not to bring them up, yet dreams continue to be.

So am I liberated or not? I wonder.

Gracious

Been a tiring week for me… Dreams and stupid thoughts. But the week ended on a very, pleasant note, and I was quite pleased with the way things went.

Taking leave for Friday, I went out with the classmates of 04 for Botak Jones and some Neo-printing and L4D! Haha… Was fun watching Joan right-click after I repeatedly shouted “Left click, LEFT CLICK!!!”

Friday was very fun too. Went baking at Rachel’s house again, but this time round a bit screwed up due to me putting a bit too much butter into the mix, making the cookies shapeless and without volume. But bringing it to the retreat and offering to everyone, there only returned words of praise for the “FAMOUS AMOS” imitation I’d made. Yes, it may be Betty Crocker’s , but hey, a standard has existed, even for someone like me!

Friday was also an occasion for good ol’ buddy Janan, his 21st birthday which we planned a super evil surprise for him. Pretending to forget his birthday and making it seem the most normal of days, we made him feel so sad about us “forgetting”, only for him to receive a birthday surprise at his house at 2350 hours with pizza! Haha, the look on the face was priceless, he never expected such a stunner of surprise… Aww come on, how was it possible for friends of more than 8 years to forget birthdays? Besides, my slip of accidentally sending him a “Hey what are we doing for Janan’s birthday?” SMS to him was more than enough to show we were in plans. Haha!

Open Air Rally held at Charis was pretty good. The effect was well-delivered, I guess. As much as I always had plenty of comments to make about structure of sermons, the message still sends out and the turnout of interest was an impressive amount.

Had a great chat with Clarissa too, an old friend. Been so long since I talked, really glad for her now, all grown up. It’s a really pleasant feeling, talking about the past, and being honest about it. That sort of respect we have for each other is something I really appreciate out of the friendship we have. It feels nice.

Overall, I guess hoping for more epiphenomena happening to me is taking a different route from what I’d expected.

With friends, they still tell me I’ve got something to live for. As their friend, I got a responsibility to them too.

With whatever that happens, I feel, impossible IS nothing. Who decides all this is not humanity, but the God of time, the Creator Himself. He decides what’s going to happen.

It puts me more at ease, although pride doesn’t usually let me see things this way considering I’d love taking control. But… Uncertainty brings forward the opportunity to trust in God. I need this sort of feeling, the fearless heart of walking with Him in the dark.

Indifference

I don’t think I changed.

I just find myself feeling more indifferent.

I don’t want to be a burden to myself, to her, to everyone, to whoever.

But it seems like a cycle. I can only speak so much. Yet the first irreversible step, I never dared to move forth, it creates so much tension and uncertainty.

And uncertainty is supposedly an element of faith with God, so that as you walk with Him, you can see the plans He has.

But I’m so blind.